Good Books, Missing Alma, Fun Day Out

Random thoughts:

This is a Green Fruit Beetle, also known as a Figeater and when I go outside they are flying all over my backyard and buzzing and they hit me in the head. I didn't go outside in my backyard much today. I don't know why this is italicized.

Yesterday I had a good cry over a book. Do you like to cry? I love to cry over a good book. I mean, I feel so sad, but it feels so good to feel. Does that make sense? Some people hate to cry. I like a good cry. Just get it out and get it done with. Then you feel better.

The book I read was recommended by Shannon and is called These Is My Words. It's fiction and it's in the 1880's so it's pioneerish and I loved it! I think it's best to recommend for married women though. Now that makes you curious doesn't it? No bad stuff ladies...and gents, just married womanly stuff. It took me a day or two to get into it but then I couldn't put it down and finished it in 3 days. Well, couldn't put it down means when I wasn't wrestling a two year old, making dinner, folding laundry or giving orders on how to sweep a floor...then I was reading it. Every spare moment I had I was in that book. AND, I just found out from a friend that it has a sequel. I hope I like it as much as I loved the first one.

If you don't like to cry or be sad then maybe you don't want to read on. Some may think there are certain things that are too personal too share with the blogging world, but I have benefited so much from others' sharing their stories and this is my inexpensive therapy. So if you're here for a pick-me-up...Skip to the pics below for happier and lighter subjects. :)

Tonight I was a little sad about Alma Lee Bird. Six years ago this August we lost a little baby who was just 13 weeks old in my womb. I was 15 weeks along and went in for my regular routine check up and my midwife couldn't find a heartbeat. Claire and Jane were with me because it was the first time that they were going to hear the baby's heartbeat. They were there anticipating a steady rhythm and they were with me at the ultrasound when the technician wouldn't say a word to me. William was in New York I think.

William had been to my previous appointment and I remember how excited we were to hear that little galloping noise and wonder what this little baby was going to be like. Was it a boy or a girl? Would they have a lot of hair when they were born? Would they be silly or somber, quiet or loud, curious or content?

It's amazing how the minute I know I'm pregnant....no, the minute I suspect or even hope I'm pregnant I begin bonding with that little one. I think about them constantly and love them immensely. I can't wait to hold their sweet little body in my arms and love them and nurse them and kiss them and touch their tiny fingers and count their bitty toes. I just love little babies. They are so soft and sweet and gentle and vulnerable and dependent.

Anyways, tonight someone left me a link to someone who had lost their baby at 39 weeks and 4 days. Oh, it made me so sad to think how it must feel to lose a baby when you are just expecting it to enter into your life completely. It makes my heart hurt to think about how it feels to find out your baby has died. I get a burning lump in my throat when I remember how sad it was to let go of those hopes and dreams of that sweet little life inside of me.

One of the saddest moments of losing Alma was waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I already had found out the baby was dead and had scheduled my delivery for the next day. William had made it home and had cried with me and was there sleeping next to me. My habit when I'm pregnant is to almost constantly have my hand on my belly to feel that hard little lump and feel those tiny little movements. Well, Alma had died before I could ever feel him move, but at night when my bladder was full I could really see the bump in my belly. I would lie there a moment after I woke up to just feel the lump and know there was a baby growing inside me. That last night with Alma was so sad to me because I knew it was the last night I'd ever wake up with his little body inside me. I knew that the next night I'd just be a mushy blob and I didn't want to let go. I laid there as long as I could holding my pee so I could just have those last moments with my unborn baby. William woke up and let me cry about it. I finally got up to use the bathroom and when I got back in bed I couldn't feel my belly as much. It was so hard to let go.

Losing Alma was sad but looking back it was a time when I felt so much love from my Heavenly Father and from my husband and my family and friends. It was such a loving time. It was hard, but we all grew so much closer together through it all. I still miss Alma and still think about what kind of child we would have in our house if he'd lived. Someday we'll know. :) Alma died before we could find out if he was a boy or a girl but we always felt like he was our first little guy.

On a lighter note.....

Today, I farmed out three children and took Claire, cousin Sam and Walter to the Discovery Center. It was so enjoyable to be with two respectful, fun, and funny kids and one sweet little baby. We tested out lots of exhibits, learned many things and had lots of fun. After I get permission from Diane to post pics of her child on the internet I'll update with some more photos,,,,or not. What a fun day!